I had a panic attack yesterday.
I’ll tell you all about it in a minute, but first I want to make a couple announcements.
First: The next book in the KC Warlock Weekly series has been postponed, with a new release date TBD.
Second: I’m making all of my books free. If there’s anything in my library that you want to read, you can download it here. All four main titles in The Sacrosanct Records, the short story compilation, and the first book of The KC Warlock Weekly; You can read it all, share it, send it to your friends with no strings attached.
Third: I’m launching a Patreon, and I’ve created a Ko-Fi if you want to leave me a tip.
All these things, (panic attack included,) are connected to each other, but that’s the Cliff Notes version. If you’re just here for the free books, you can just stop reading here! Happy reading, and I hope you enjoy!
At the time of writing this, it’s Thursday. Today I was supposed to send off my next book, “The KC Warlock Weekly: Justice” to my editor, so she’d be able to iron out the kinks in time for a February 2nd publication. That’s not going to happen.
I’ve been struggling with the world of indie publishing for a while. I love the writing, the storytelling, the craft of it, it’s the ‘Publishing’ part that gets me – Success seems to hinge more on my ability to navigate the world of marketing than my ability to write. I don’t know how to maximize SEO on my social media posts. I’m not a marketing guru who can maximize Amazon ads or perfect my keywords for sales.
When I’ve tried at these things, I’ve failed, miserably. And it affects how I feel about myself as a writer. It’s irrational, but when my ad campaigns fizzle, it makes me feel like I’m incompetent as an author. I tied the value of my art to the amount of money I could make off of it, and when I couldn’t sell myself well enough, it hurt.
In short, it wasn’t healthy.
I’d known that it wasn’t for a long time, but knowing something isn’t the same as believing it. So, even as I made plans on how to change, how to get away from the elements of self publishing that were eating away at my self esteem and confidence as a writer, I still let it influence me.
Amazon’s sales algorithm rewards authors who can write fast. Beyond just having more books for sale, Amazon boosts books in its algorithm for a limited time after release – So, if you want the best shot at being seen on Amazon, you have to release books regularly and often, not because it means the books will be of higher quality, but because it’s what the algorithm favors.
So, that’s why I picked February 2nd as my release date – to try and get that algorithm boost as quickly as possible.
And, that’s why a couple nights ago, I was feverishly rushing to complete a draft that I’d be able to finish and upload in time. Not because it would be my best work, but because it was what the algorithm demanded, and I’d convinced myself that if I couldn’t keep up with the algorithm’s demands, then I didn’t deserve to call myself an author.
I knew that the words I was writing weren’t my best. I’d been so focused on the crunch, the deadline, that I’d sacrificed creating a story I was happy with.
And I hated it. I still hate it.
I hate that, even while I could say out loud that the algorithm didn’t dictate my worth as an artist, I let it influence how I thought about myself. I put pressure on myself that I’d never even think of putting on anyone else – I’d call it cruel and callous. The ironic thing is, I can write very quickly and with quality when I have the creative freedom to do so, but the crushing pressure I’d imposed on myself killed that passion.
I talked about the issue with some friends, and a family member, but it was my fiancée who brought me back down to earth. Forcing myself to recognize emotionally what I knew logically wasn’t easy. Part of me still feels like I’m giving up.
And all this is to say, I could use your help.
I love to write. I’ll likely keep writing for as long as I can type. Publishing, though? That’s more difficult.
While I want my stories to be read, publishing isn’t free. Covers and editing cost money, and more pressingly, I still have bills to pay and groceries to buy.
I want to reject the algorithm model. I want to write for you, my fans, people who love to read, without worrying about what Amazon is going to promote, about whether or not my ads are going to have a low enough cost-per-click, any of that junk. Heck, I want everyone to be able to read my stories, regardless of where they’re at financially – I don’t want to block anyone from being able to read.
But to do that, I’m going to need your help.
Like I said at the start of this, I’ve launched a Patreon. My hope is that, if you can, you’ll help me reject the crunch, and the grind, and the algorithm chasing. I would love to be able to get support from you directly. In turn, I want to write stories that you want to read. If anything I’ve written has inspired you, or made you laugh, or smile, or feel, then I’ve done my job right.
With your support, Patreon will let me write without fear of the marketing, without stress about pandering to an algorithm. I can write longer books and short stories without worrying that I’d be more commercially viable if I cut the story off sooner or bloated the length. I plan on doing both of those things, in fact.
If you’ve made it this far but haven’t read any of my works, you’re welcome to check out anything I’ve done – my writing is available to be read. Check it out, see if it’s to your taste. If you like it, and you want to see more, I would love to have your support.
I don’t want to sell books. I want to tell stories.
Will you please help me do that?